From today onwards, I have a new lj! :DD I think this one has become too public, I don't want to publicise my blog.. =/ And I've had this lj for a year, i think it's time to change : D. If you know my new blog addy, you must promise not to link it or tell people about it yeah. ;) Yepp. Thanks to all who've actually spent some time reading my posts here. (:
This is the final post of this lj ^^.
Amo il dio!
People who read my blog frequently can infer that I have extreme moodswings. One day, I'll be moaning about life. The next, I'm praising the Lord for everything... -.- Well today, it's the latter.
I'm in a good mood now :P. Cuz it's the holidays. These days, if my parents don't nag at me or say mean stuff about me, they make my day ^^. And well.. NO SCHOOL! Yippy yoo hoo. But after tomorrow, sigh.. =/ Oh well. We're celebrating indonesia's independence day on tuesday morning, that's a nice way to begin the day, i guess.
Anyway nothing good can come out of school. Besides the learning process of course. School is basically one big headache, one tiresome routine (especially the waking up hours. DAMN!), one embarrassing phase. Grrr. Oh well. I've survived less than 2 months so far, ever since the long holidays.. =/
I'm spending my time at home.. at facebook, friendster, hotmail... and well i have to do so much homework. So much math =( So much chinese. Have to do 2 difficult chinese compos.. and answer some questions from the text book. Aaaargh. And have to study for all the tests. Aaaaargh.
Okay, enough of grumbling.
But I feel kind of refreshed now, cuz of this break. ((: I guess I'm the boring kind of person. I don't go out too often, and i prefer to stay at home, so I can "regain my spirits", whatever that means..
Anyway i'm so thankful for food, for some close friends and for my parents. Even though I always complain to Him that I feel so lonely and horrid and all, deep down inside, I know that He has different plans for all of us. ((: Some will struggle with on-off bgrs, others like me will never have to. But, our parents and friends fill the gap and make life so much better ((:
Hmm talking about friends... I realise that there are some people who try to please everyone, some who don't bother. Those who bother usually become more popular. =/ Though I get quite annoyed, cuz when those people give me compliments, they don't sound real, their tone sounds so exaggerated. I don't know how to describe it. Oh well. There are very few genuinely wonderful people...people who are true to you, people who love you for who you are, but they do exist (:
In my life, I don't really see most people as anywhere near my close friends. Cuz they don't mean what they say, and never practise what they preach. =/ I wonder if I'm one of them....I hope not. Anyway, there is one person in my life who means a lot to me, (besides my parents of course)... I don't normally mention names in my blog, but that person is Lisais. (: I believe i've mentioned her in my previous posts. Hee.
Well, I don't know, there are too many things I want to tell her about, too many things I want to hear from her. Ah well. She's so far from me now.. but she doesnt seem so far from me anyway. ((:
My only best friend, and my only godsister.
Im thinking about her now. (((: Even though my life isnt turning out quite right these days.. I have too few of those 'feel good moments'.., I'm grateful that I met people like Lisais. She helps me feel less alone, and she seriously feels like family to me. Hmmm..
Heh. Okay, now I've run out of things to blog about. I gotta go do one of my chinese compos. Aaaaaaaaaaah.
"I WILL SURVIVE!"
Amo il dio!
I don't know what's gotten into me lately.. I've been pulling a long face everyday. Wherever I go, I'm always perturbed by something. Work seems to be never-ending.. People's voices are gradually droning into meaningless echoes. I try to be optimistic and not to look so grouchy, but I find it difficult to do so. Everytime I try to help, they just ask me to go away. I feel so hurt, lonely and unwanted easily. And I always wonder.. why am I on earth? Believers in God should never ask this question since we already have the answer within. Still.. I don't understand anything.
I look so listless all the time... I'm quite annoyed with myself. Can I stop being so sensitive already? Since I can't stop being sensitive, why can't I accept this fact and accept who I am? I'm never pleased with anything I do or say, it's just so disturbing. I realise that what people say don't really affect me, it's how I respond to everything around me.
I need You so badly.
Amo il dio.
Flashes by so quickly - it becomes a blur
Another day filled with anxiety and hurt
Tires screech to a stop
And I lie, virtually unnoticed,
As my final regrets seep away
Sealing every ounce of pain,
Every redundant sensation that I have ever felt
In this lifetime,
For the first time...I let go.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Gosh. I've seriously put on weight. =/ Goodness. My tummy, my arms, my waist, my thighs. =(( Damnn. I need to do something about it. I don't think I'll resort to any starvation diet. I hate feeling cold, weak and hungry. I'm not the kind who will look as if i'm suffering from anorexia cuz of my thick bones. But still.. I don't know. I need to slim down, so I can feel more confident. I'm not doing it for anyone, other than myself.
Anyway yesterday's cca was fun. ((: In my cca, I never feel left out. Yesterday, felt kinda appreciated cuz I did something for the notice board. Though it was nothing much, just the lettering, but I felt accomplished ((: The teacher said i can really draw and a friend in the cca said it's beautiful. Mmm.. i don't think it's nice of course.. But i do appreciate their compliments.. at least, i didn't feel useless, for once. ^^
Hmm i like this girl in my cca. She's so cute, and she's from secondary 1. I feel like her big sister already. LOL. I wish I could remember her name, I feel kinda ashamed to ask her though. Lol. Next time, next time. When I look at most girls, my first impression is that they're acting cute, and that kind of annoys me... But i think the girls in my cca are genuinely adorable. Haha. I feel so old..=( I hope the teacher won't make me announce the activities of CFC during assembly. I have serious stage fright. LOL. I prefer to keep a low profile, sit back and listen.
Hmm.. I'm looking forward to next friday though ((: Love the teacher, love the people, love the cca ^^
Anyway i hope we'll be going to megamall today! It's empty, not one of my fav malls already, but I like going there ((:
Amo il dio!
Emotions let loose -
Like teardrops streaming down..
Like a waterfall that never runs dry.
Mmm.. one of my fav teachers encouraged me today. ;) He said that sometimes we have to go through the deepest
valleys and the worst obstacles before we succeed. So he told me to hang in there, and don't let my grade 'b'
for english be a label that sticks with me..He told me never to give up on my dreams (does he know that i've
always longed to be an author?!) Hmm, that was nice of him, to bother to tell me these meaningful stuff. (:
True, I don't let myself think about igcse these days, but the fact is, there's still a part of me
inside that continuously aches as i go through every mundane process of the day.
Ah, don't get me wrong. I really do like studying and learning new stuff, but sometimes it gets so draggy and I
feel as if I'm going through the motion, just trying to endure. Hmm I don't really like most of the lessons. I
only like sociology :D cuz it's something i absolutely enjoy learning! I guess life is always like this. When you
enjoy doing something, no matter how much work is involved in it (tomorrow we'll have to write really long essays
for an hour ;O but to me, it's quite fun, i'm actually looking forward to it, LOL), you'll somehow find the joy
in it. ^^ I think that if I somehow can't make it as a psychologist because of certain circumstances, then it
would also be awesome to become a sociologist since I love the subject very much. ^^
I thought economics was fun, but sometimes, when it gets to learning all that price elasticity and revenue and
blah blah, it gets quite dry. =/ Oh well. Even though I don't really like the other subjects, it doesn't mean I
have to lose interest in studying them.. I wanna do well for the upcoming common tests!
Anyway chapel was fun today. Well it's usually interesting. So we should never pray to God in a meaningless way..
like a routine.. the teacher was telling us.. How would you feel if your friend kept saying "Good Morning, Thank
You, Amen." LOL. That really tickled me. Haha. So my friends and I were really addicted to that line after chapel.
LOL. On a serious note though, I am guilty of that sometimes. Whenever I get too preoccupied with studies, or
with other stuff in my life, I can't find the appropriate words to put in prayer. So I simply thank him for
everything and ask him to forgive my sins. And then, amen. =/
Yeahh... =/ I hope I don't do that too often though. Mmmm..
And I finally found an interesting book in the school library. Entitled "I Promise" by Robin Jones Gunn (really
cool author when it comes to writing about love..)Yeah, this IS all about love. :D.
Anyway I hope my crush can't tell that I like him. Haha. Well I usually just shoot a quick glance, (like one second)
and just treat him as nonexistent. Haha. I wish I could ask him something. Anything. But I won't be so stupid as
to ask him something silly.. it'll make me sound so desperate =/
Oh whatever. My crushes never become more than that. They're nothing but "eye candy". You know that term you use
when you see somebody attractive :P
Amo il dio-
Now I'm wondering if it's a waste to withdraw from the BINUS competition. I musn't be fickle-minded, but I can't
stop thinking about it. I've already got an idea of what I'm going to write. I had the confidence to write that
story.. But after receiving the igcse results, all I can think of is the haunting grade 'B'. I mean. this is not
the first time I'm getting a 'B' for english. I've never got any 'A's for major exams.. =/
So i'm highly discouraged now, and i don't have the mood to continue the story. I planned to write a touching
story about a mother who sacrifices for her son. Well.. something like that.. =/ I don't know.. maybe it's not
Oh well. I'm sure I made the right decision to withdraw. Even if i didn't, my writing would be affected cuz of
that image of grade 'B'. Anyway, my parents strongly supported my decision.. of course. They didn't see any point
in my entering this competition anyway.
Sigh. Regrets or no regrets, I've made up my mind.
Hmm just a moment ago, I felt rejuvenated cuz I told myself that I was gonna stop thinking about igcse..It's over
anyway, why cry over spilt milk? But she will constantly remind me about my english paper..while he makes more
sarcastic comments. Okay, i don't really know if he meant to be sarcastic, after all, i'm extremely sensitive
Anyway I hope I didn't offend anybody in school today. Heh. Whenever I'm in a crappy mood, I get quite
self-centred, cuz I'm wrapped up in my own world. =/
Ah well. I'll try to make up for it if I did.
Sigh. Anyway it's good that I survived today. No matter what, I won't run away from reality anymore, not like I
used to. I guess I'll just face the music, and try my very best to get back on my feet and stop acting like a
I think right now all I need is God. =/ Okay, I really want to talk to this friend who always seems to cheer me
Oh well. No one's ever there when I need them.
Guess it doesn't matter. o.O
Amo il dio.
Hmm yesterday I was neither happy nor sad. Today I got major depressed. Why must life be this way? Must we get
straight A's before we're considered smart? So if we get a stars for a couple of subjects, we're considered
stupid, not good enough?
I cried many times today. =/ I couldn't contain it. I don't usually cry so often..
I know. I'm not as smart as the people who got so many A's, not as smart as those who got all A stars. Why is
everyone looking at me as if i'm such a disappointment, as if i've flunked everything? Why do this to me?
I'm already hurt by what I perceive, they do not need to tell me what they think of me.
Hmm i asked mrs gaias whether she could withdraw me from that binus competition. that 'everyday hero' thing. I'm
not good enough for it. To think I ever aspired to be a writer. Writers never get "B's" for english.
These are just results, and I can't do anything about it, but i'm in so much pain now. ='(. At least my heart is
throbbing with all this pain. I hate crying, I hate it so much. But I don't know what else to do.
Hmm i guess i'll just post my grades here..=/
A Math: B
E Math: A*
Sigh. My only hope is sociology. If I can get the brilliance award (i hope so!), then that'll make me very happy.
It'll take away my depression. =/ Oh well. Sociology always seems to be the subject that makes me very happy,
and english is the one that gets me disappointed. Hmmm.. So that means I should concentrate on working hard, so
I can be a psychologist, instead of being a writer. =/
Hmm i shall review my results..
For IT, i already expected it. I was clueless when it came to the practical. -.- Physics.. I always get C for
science. English.. Bleh. I never expected anything about that.. A Math.. I've got Mr. I-kiem to thank. Seriously.
I've failed/just passed a math all my life.. =/ Chinese and math.. i'm sure many people got A*.. Was quite shocked
for math though. As for sociology.. ah.. ONLY HOPE! =/
Hmm not that I'm jealous about everyone else.. I'm just quite pissed off with myself. At least smiles lighted up
many people's faces today. ((:
Mmmmm..oh well. I hope this feeling goes away soon..
I feel so stupid =/.
Lord help me.
Amo il dio.
Dad called Mr Jason and asked me about my results.. and dad then told me my grades. Mmmm.. I'm really relieved I didn't
get horrible marks..they aren't fantastic either. But i'm already thankful to God they were generous enough to
give me those grades.. Maybe my expectations are low.. Hmm.. Anyway none of my nightmares came true, thank God.
Just last night, i dreamt that I failed everything. LOL. -.-
Hmm I should learn to be more calm. And stop having breakdowns during prelims and major exams. Hah.
So I know I'm DEFINITELY not the first in this school. Hmm apparently I improved most of it, so thats why im
grateful ((: Hmm.. most likely i'll be going back to sg next june. :DD So i won't be taking jc 2 in bbs..
I guess I'll take as levels, and return to take a levels. Yepp.
Hopefully I can apply to get into a jc there. I like jc lifestyle. Stressful, nerve-wrecking, tense, busy.. Poly
is stressful as well, but jc is worse.. ;O. I like to be extremely busy though. Heh. Heard from a couple of
friends that jc lifestyle is quite tough. But with a proper schedule, it's not impossible. Hmm, hopefully!! ((:
So of course I won't post my igcse results over here.. I know that there are a couple of people who read my
blog. HAHA. =/ Shant post the disgraceful stuff. Some of my grades made me extremely happy though. Some were quite
So my general feeling from it all is that of relief. Haha. I expected worse you see.. =/
So tonight I can finally sleep well. Hoho. Not cuz my results were good or anything, but because I finally know!
And I'll work harder for AS and A levels! Cheers to much better results then :D
Amo il dio!
Mm.. Today had a math test which was fairly easy.. I hope I get full marks, but I don't think that's a
possibility. Just a hope ((: Then economics.. We went through the test paper and learned more stuff. I like
learning new things :D. I still love economics even though I did so horribly in the first test. Lol. =/ Oh well.
I'll do much better next time! ^^
And there was cca today! CFC! I really really like the people in my cca. They're extremely quiet, but so am I.
- huge grin on face -. Hahaha. They're easy to talk to as well. At least I don't feel out of place. I felt quite
comfortable in the club ((:
Hmm I'm singing now. Seems I'm gradually gaining confidence. All because of Him. ((: He takes away all my sorrows,
my burdens, my worries, my fears.. Mmm.. But trouble is, I can't stop thinking of those IGCSE results. I mean,
there's no point dwelling over it since it's already over. But I cant stop worrying. ='(. I'm so scared that I'll
start crying in front of whoever's-gonna-give-me-that-result-slip. ;O And I'm so scared that I'll have that
sinking feeling when I see my grades. ='(. i guess I have some confidence in e math cuz of paper 4... =/
But that's all. Oh well.
Anyway I've been so busy worrying about stuff that I seriously forgot that tomorrow is Singapore's birthday
aka National Day! Until the principal announced it. Lol. -.- I've got so used to living in jakarta that I don't
even think of singapore anymore. So much for citizenship and patriotism, or all that... -.-
Well well. IGCSE is the number one thing weighing on my mind right now.
Today I guess I'll sleep later than usual.. cuz I have some stuff to do. Math presentation.. designing the
words of my cca notice board.. practising math.. studying economics.. studying chinese.. reading through sociology
..writing out my story (or at least attempting to..).. that everyday hero one.. =/ And probably some other stuff.
I don't know.. No matter how busy I get, I'm still gonna make sure I watch that movie "riding the bullet" tonight.
Another Stephen King adaptation. His stories are really cool, but I don't really like reading his books cuz of
the print :o
Hmm.. I'm extremely grateful to God right now. I don't feel inferior any longer.. And I've accepted the fact
that I'll always feel lonely.. I feel really good about myself now.. as well as the people around me..
It's all because of Him. I just don't know how to explain it..
Okay then! Being busy is a plus cuz I won't have to think about IGCSE. That dreadful, venomous, heartbreaking disaster.
Amo il dio! ((:
Yikes. Hmm today I got really emotional at the end of school hours. Over some marks. Dad marked again, and he
realised he marked some stuff wrongly. So now my mark has gone down. 37/50. As if 40 wasn't bad enough.. Now it
looks so much worse. And my position in the class is number 4. Sigh. Oh well, Jesus said that in order to be
first, we have to be last. Mmm. This hurts so bad.. it's not really the position. It's the mark. 37/50. ='(.
I really couldnt contain my emotions.
I don't understand. The other peeps' marks either went up or remained the same. Why must my mark go down.. by so
much somemore? From 80 % to 74 %. 6 MARKS. 6!! He said it's stuff to do with that opportunity cost question.
But I really don't think I answered incorrectly for that one. ='(. He's so cruel to me.. =/ It's not fair.
I know I didn't study properly.. I just did last minute studying, but I did my best and wrote down stuff that I
learned. I was 100 % positive that I answered that question right!! =(
Aaargh. It hurts so bad okay. Nobody can understand. Results mean a lot to me. I know it's just the 1st test. But
I do want to see that paper tomorrow.. I wonder where I went wrong. One classmate, she got 36 initially.. and she
improved to 41! She went up by 5 marks, I went down by 3. Goodness. I really don't get it. I hope he's not being
unfair to me. Too bad I like economics a lot. =/ Well he says there's gonna be another test in the month of
august. That's good then. I wanna get a much higher mark. This is pathetic.
And then I also got emotional cuz we're receiving igcse results on sunday (though i'm collecting on monday). Grr.
People seem to expect more of me, especially my parents. My mum wants me to be at least in the top 5 or top 10..
Goodness. I really think I flunked badly. So I told her that, she says I have no self-confidence.. Hmm, true, I
don't. At least not for these major exams.
Hmm and I think I offended somebody today..and I don't think I did anything that made anyone's day.. so my day
today was practically horrid. But I'll get through this. Tomorrow I'll just try to smile it all away. Anyway..
there is someone in school who can cheer me up. ^^
Hmm and there is always God. Hmm tonight I'm so not in the mood to study. I hate studies now.. they make me so
depressed and upset. I feel like a good-for-nothing.. Gee.
Anyway we're going on a trip to Yogyakarta next month.. some sociology stuff. Sigh. I really don't like travelling.
I love shopping, dining at restaurants, going on cruises and staying at home.. but I dislike getting out of the
country. It's always so troublesome..Sigh. I'm boring, like my mum said. I'm so different from most people in my
school I guess. Definitely different from the people in my sociology class. They were so excited about the trip.
I really wish I have dengue fever or some dreadful disease so I don't have to go. I don't mean to be spiteful
about anything..and I know I'm being childish.. I just don't enjoy travelling.
Sigh, sometimes I wish there were someone special whom I could talk to, someone whom I could share my troubles
and good news with, someone whom I could listen to as well..
So tonight I guess I'll spend time reflecting on stuff and praying. I'll start reviewing all those notes tomorrow
in the morning since I have nothing better to do, and I'm always wandering around like a freak. I think I really,
desperately need to have a long "talk" with God. Not literally of course. But I need to "tell" Him so many things
that I can't reveal to anyone else. Besides, my life is pretty much screwed up now cuz I think I've spent time
offending quite a number of people and I haven't made full use of what He has given me..
I'm tempted to paint everyday hero as a sadistic, gruesome and depressing story.. but forget it. The theme
doesn't sound anything like that. Anyway I shouldn't let my mood affect my writing. =/
Amo il dio. ='(
(PS)I realise that I'm so silly for thinking that he would ever like me.. Why would a guy like him like ME anyway? =/ I can't think of any reasons.. Sigh. These days I keep getting discouraged so easily, I'm even annoying myself already. I wonder how many people hate me. Hah. I guess a person like me does NOT deserve being loved by anybody. :'(. I love God, but it seems I haven't really changed.. A leopard never changes his spots. =((( No wonder God always makes me feel alone. Maybe someday I'll get used to these...